great expectations

I’ve decided to skip this week’s inventory on my goals. I don’t want to know how I did last week, I don’t want to rate it this time. Maybe next. I can tell you I didn’t gain any weight and truly enjoyed writing for the week. I plan to go running today and I got up early for work. I think for now, that should cover the evaluation. Tomorrow, I have my year-end review and I believe that is about as much “evaluating” as I can handle this week so sue me.

As you know, I had a sucky Saturday morning/afternoon. It took me hours to pull myself out of the rut but some paint and dinner with friends and family helped. By the time I left the house, I had accepted all possibilities for the night, even a lame ending (lame ending=little dancing and long lines) would have satisfied me because I was determined to just enjoy the time as it passed and forget the outcome. I proved this as I waited outside a club with my brother for twenty minutes in 30 degree weather. What did we do? Laugh the entire time about how absurd we were for waiting out in the cold. I may have said mean things about people but I mean… whatever. Karma doesn’t count under 40 degrees.

On the other side of town, a friend of mine had a little trouble seeing the light and actually went the opposite route that night. Excited after having completed a project (that has forced her to remove herself socially for months) she was ready to paint the town red. As she settled into dinner, she realized everyone else had other plans. Those nights are terrible; it’s as if the universe skipped your name while planning the night.

She became very sad and went home. I heard about all this the following evening when I caught up with them all. I felt confused. What had I done differently? I had actually used that group as a standard. I had imagined they were having the time of their lives and thought I should try to do the same. I should have been the one to had a shitty evening, I had predisposed myself to it, hadn’t I? She had the right attitude all day, why was I the one to luck out? (Mind you, I had a great Saturday night… these legs danced until 4.30am in da morning!)

Anyway, what had I done differently? In my “misery”, I had not told the world what I wanted and had just allowed it to present itself to me. I tried to just go with whatever direction the night wanted to go and realized that I did not force it. I was not angered by the wait in the cold. I knew I could not change it.

Seth Godin wrote “if we put a number on it, people will try to make the number go up” as a starting quote for today’s post. That made me think about how we try so desperately to “classify” a night, a person, or project before it really is let be. How no matter what the rating or number, we want more and we demand it. Why not try something different? Why not… let the wild flow out of the night?

Although many of you may not be religious, bear with me for a moment because there is a point to what I’m about to say. My mother asked that I do a prayer with her last night so I took a deep breathe and sat there to listen. The message was simple;  stop deciding the result of everything. We usually self destruct spiritually or emotionally when we begin to subconsciously select outcomes. We decide what is good, what is bad, when in reality we usually do not have enough information to conclude either. We don’t know what is going to happen and we have to learn to find peace and ourselves in the journey of the unknown.

Furthermore, what we had decided needed to happen was not necessarily “what needed to happen” for us to move forward. We and our desires, believe it or not, can be wrong.

Every morning as you begin to form an opinion, drop it. Try to not decide the meaning of everything this week.If the morning is bad, the night will be terrible… what? If he didn’t speak to you the first 10 minutes you were there, you look bad,… what, what? If you didn’t get the score you wanted, the rest of your life will be mediocre… NO!

We have to stop placing “the rest of our lives” into single moments. They do not define us, they merely determine how the next step needs to be taken and what skills/approach needs to be adjusted from our end.

You have a bad morning, work on it. Add a little love, add a little spark.

The guy you like didn’t speak to you, so what? Music is playing, the room is full. What are you waiting for? Start shining.

The score you wanted isn’t there? Yea well, neither was my SAT score and I turned out just fine. (right?) Remember what your SAT felt like? I do, I thought I was going to die. I even remember my first college rejection. I swore trailer parks would follow but no, I haven’t even seen a crooked pi-kit fence.

So think about it, what are you defining unfairly? Why are you assuming you are the wiser? Let the universe do it’s job. Let it surprise you more often.

love, bleu

About Antonella Saravia

Antonella is a freelance writer. Graduated from Purdue University, Antonella is based out of New York City and Nicaragua, where she was raised. Follow her via Twitter @tonesaravia & Instagram via @tsaravia.

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