the more i know, the less i understand

hello, this is m, and bleu has asked me to jump in while the family is in town for the merriest of all seasons so here i am.  I think i will remain m for now, until we decide if we like each other. at that point, we can have the talk about where we think this is going.


i have recently been thinking a lot about forgiveness and second chances. while i have always felt that i am a fair and forgiving person, i can’t let go of things. i can obsess and compulsively think about things to a debilitating extent. what did that word mean? why did they look at me? did i communicate what i meant to say? what can i do to help them? am i doing enough? my worries are often not even about me. they are often about things that are completely out of my control. sounds unproductive, right? well, this has been a not-so-fun habit of mine for a while. i have come to terms with it and found ways to make these thoughts part of a more productive process. life is, after all, a process. one that we only have control over a limited amount of it. this brings me to the idea of “the more i know, the less i understand.” oftentimes, in these long thinking sessions i come to a larger conclusion about life. i have it all figured out now. and then guess what happens? those parts of life that you do not have control over come back to surprise you. sometimes in a good way, sometimes, to teach you something. 


what this has led me to believe that these reoccurring processes are instrumental to personal growth, but they cannot define the direction of our growth. in fact, we can only control that to a certain extent. the rest is where, fate, God, alllah, buddha, your mother, the wind, or some other greater force, comes in. This brings me to the idea of forgiveness and even more importantly trust. Firstly, forgiveness is SO important. As trite as it might sound, everyone deserves, almost. Usually your body will tell you when forgiveness is deserved. go with it. you will surprise yourself and find it incredibly liberating. This is hard though. A lot of other forces will want to pull you in the opposite direction. This can come in the form of fear, pride, family, etc.. This is where trust comes in. You have to trust in yourself, your instinct, the force that is pulling you in that direction. Trust that it is doing it for a reason, it might not always lead to happiness, but it will always lead to lesson you needed to learn. Trust and forgiveness are a bit of a chicken and the egg conundrum. Because after you learn trust, you need to come back to forgiveness. Trust, as i said, will not always lead you to perfect things, but forgive yourself and appreciate the lesson that was learned. have you made the same mistake multiple times? sure you have, we all have. the lesson hasn’t been learned yet. as long as you are guided by instinct, trust, and morality, with the ability to forgive… it will all turn out just fine. after all, that is what causes doubt right? the worry that it will not all turn out OK? it will. and it will all be worth it. 


I use these ideas to guide myself through life. it doesn’t always work, i often need to talk it out. but some of the happiest moments of my life have been because of trust and forgiveness. 


i think we may be on to something here. 


until next time, 


About Antonella Saravia

Antonella is a freelance writer. Graduated from Purdue University, Antonella is based out of New York City and Nicaragua, where she was raised. Follow her via Twitter @tonesaravia & Instagram via @tsaravia.

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