As mentioned before, I am coming out of a serious relationship. The process has been a long one. A great deal of evaluating the end of “us” and a new beginning for “me”. Phase I consisted of partying, thrills, new acquaintances, scary situations, and basically… releasing. Releasing the pain, the love, the hope, the anger, … dancing it away, putting it into a cocktail, etc. I got my feet wet socially, artistically, romantically, and emotionally. In a brief moment on Saturday, between a glass of rose and a cab ride home, I realized that Phase I had come to an end. Yes, the fun was over. I had managed to distract myself long enough to allow time to pass and close a bit of the wound that the heartbreak had created.
Now, I wondered… what is next?
The heart and the gut are lovers and when the heart is ready for something, your gut will let you know. My wounds are beginning to heal and now that I am stronger and more confident, it’s time that I face those fears and issues that I had not ready to come to terms with.
Phase 2 is all about reflection and finally jumping on your own. I have come to terms with the fact that there is no one by my side after 5 years of constant support, love and attention. Ish okay. Took a while but I am good, for reals. However, I have not come out into the open about it. Now… it’s time to date myself. No more depending on someone to be able to attend an event, a movie, or a museum outing. If I want to go, I have to start getting out there and experiencing things for myself. I need to enjoy the very simple ways of being alone.
I marvel at things with people but never by myself. And I need to. I should. I want to.
Key: I want to.
Please note: 3 months ago, if I would have gone to an exhibit by myself, you would have found me crying in the bathroom. But it’s time. I’m ready. I can feel it. It’s like those 2 minutes before a race. I’m ready. Just sound the freaking alarm already.
I will just go on a date… with myself and remove all those shackles that come when you’re waiting for the world to catch up or understand.
I made a list of things that I never do by myself. A list of things that I have known that I need to try. So… here goes nothing…
-Do my nails without the guarantee that anyone will see the Mani I paid so much for.
-Go to a show/museum or movie without telling anyone.
-Cook for myself and set up house as if someone was attending.
-Sit somewhere & write. Write your little heart out. Get writing edited.
-Take pictures. Alone. Just sit there and marvel.
-Read, even thought there might be something more fun to do, read.
-Forget vices. Forget boys. Forget cigs. Run alone, with a vague destination and goal. Just run because it feels good and because you posses the resources to get you to feel better. Find your own method inside, your own boost.