Once upon a time, I was at a party. A very fabulous amazing party. For no particular reason, I was feeling hot. It wasn’t the outfit, the hair, or the shoes. Man, I just was feeling it. There was nothing in the room that could have stomped on this feeling inside. F$#%k the DJ, Nicki Minaj’s boom boom was all happening inside.
Needless to say, I had an amazing time. I danced, drank, laughed, made no stupid attempts to draw attention to myself and enjoyed every moment as it came. It was not one of those nights where you get caught up in fixing your ego. No, that night was different. I requested no ego boost from the world or the music playing, I simply indulged in what was already there.
That night was a moment of clarity for me. I have spent a great deal of time filling in labels. Always trying to be this perfect version of things that had once inspired me.
Turns out, without evening trying, when I was not expecting it, I met someone. It felt like wining the lotto without buying a ticket. It was a story to remember and an adventure that my girlfriends still refer to at brunches when we’re making Saturday night plans. Someday, I will tell you all about it, I promise. For now, it’s in the V vault. You’ll learn about that later too.
But OH my chickies, did I make a mistake. For sometime, I attributed this flair to the boy I had met. For I realize now that though the guy I spent time with was great, I enjoyed this person in an extraordinary way mostly because I was so “me” that night. I was the wow factor. I got more out of not caring and being myself than I ever did worrying about my ego. More importantly, I realized that way too often do we give credit to external factors for feeling amazing. Because THAT guy came over or because he didn’t. Because I was able to find THAT dress. It’s not the guy, it’s not the dress, trust me. It’s you. You are your wow factor.
As times passes, you realize that these adventures do not happen every time you feel amazing. Thinking that they will is actually the most unbeatable obstacle you can place in your way. Your labels and expectations will be your kryptonite.
The first thing we need to hang up are the labels. When I came out of my long term relationship last year, it came to my surprise that there was a new me waiting at the door and so began a long process of “un-labeling” that needed to be done.
Once we got that “I’m not hot enough”, I’m not social enough” sh*t down, you can go ahead and coat check your expectations. What you should be left with after all that is a rhythm, your conscious (please don’t leave that at the door), and your gut. This is what you will need to get you through a good night. Yes, there will be a moment when the voice comes back. Where your sad cassette will play and say something to work against you… but hey, the music that is playing is about to f#$%$cking pop your ear off. We each need to find a line or thought that we believe in when these thoughts come rolling in. We need to counter attack it. This exercise is a reality that works across the board. At work, at school, with guys, with friends… you have to challenge the thought.
It’s how you build self confidence.
So please… go have an adventure this weekend. But have it with yourself and for yourself. Don’t let it be something that unravels in front of people, it something that happens insides.
To everyone who saw me that night, I had a normal outing filled with 20 something thrills but nah man, some Pixar are sh*t was going on inside. And let me tell you, that happy place, it’s what dreams are my of.
You don’t need a club, your battleground might even be a kitchen but find a way to make it yours. It won’t be because the recipe was any easier, it’ll be because you were there while you were cooking it. It was you, not the ego seeking labeler who inhabits your body while you zombie out. Throw away your labels and your worries and find a way to break through. There is redonk-ness waiting on the other side.
A special thanks to the ladies that helped finish this post. You know who you are. Las adoro, mis negras.