sweet talker

This is based on a true story. I encourage you to try this at home.

Dear Diary,

It’s been a rough two years but then again, we haven’t been friends that long. Since we became buddies, I have been very embarrassed to think, say and accept so many feelings that I have had but you have had the pleasure of seeing some truth. I now admit I’ve been a little bit of a liar. Oddly enough, the more I wrote to you, the more clear it became to me that my writing was not aligned with my “feelings”. The anger inside did not match the sadness on the paper. The tough girl act wasn’t really there. Which begs the question… how did you do that?

It’s been a very long road to figuring out what kind of life I want. I have been walking around the city of New York with an “Undecided” label hanging around my neck. I belong to no one school of thought because I couldn’t bring myself to commit. It was confusing and I felt I was to blame.

Over the years, I have slowly untangled myself from so many of the bad habits that created this confusion. Many things were left behind as I moved forward. I left behind unwanted career opportunities, unhealthy friendships, and a love that I thought would last a bit longer than forever. Few people understood why I would create such instability in my life but I kept at it, not completely understanding what I was doing.

It’s so scary to be yourself; the process of getting closer to that freedom is often paved with monsters, heartbreak, and a massive amount of cigarettes &/or chocolate chip cookies.

It’s amazing how long shedding the past can take. It’s even more startling how the lessons we refuse to learn take a nap outside our door and wait for us to be ready.

Aside from all the drama that occurred in my life, one lesson remains; a lesson that seems to be as stubborn as I. In all these situations, I have come to find that I never took care of myself as I should have. Though there were glimpses of self acceptance and self-love through the years, none added up to the required dosage.

I was tangled up in ego, confusion and fear. I did not accept the corny things one thinks at night when you’re quivering in your Candyland pijamas. Those were thrown at the back of the line with the repressed desire for carbohydrates.

I realize now that it’s embracing that weakness that changes things. It’s the weakness that makes you strong and it’s the toughness that wears you down.

So somehow, the real me began to ooze out on your pages and it became harder to lie about it. Thanks for calling me out on my sh*t.

You’re a lifesaver.

via thesinglefilez

Deuces, B

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About Antonella Saravia

Antonella is a freelance writer. Graduated from Purdue University, Antonella is based out of New York City and Nicaragua, where she was raised. Follow her via Twitter @tonesaravia & Instagram via @tsaravia.

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