The best way to describe myself in 2011 was shut down. I wasn’t functioning properly. I was a drama away from a “man down” status. I didn’t know this, though –had I placed myself on Yelp, I might have read the bad reviews posted by friends. Maybe I would have done something about it. “Maybe, maybe,” said the cat.
You see, I had a plan and the plan flopped. I was in a relationship that wasn’t moving forward but I was desperate for personal growth. So, I didn’t know who to be. I was in love. So, I didn’t know where to go. Add a stressful job, a frustrated desire to write, and limited funds and you’ve got yourself an indie movie! As time passed, the shut down that I experienced became more obvious to me as I slowly disarmed its format.
When things ended with Voldemort, that inner push for personal growth lashed out at me. Maaaaaaaaaaaan, was it pissed. The break-up was my heart’s equivalent to taking the leash off of a dog that hasn’t played for a week. My need for personal growth just bolted forward, pushing everyone out of the way. This very push tends to drag me into a range of emotions that seem overwhelming at times. I’m usually unprepared but I do my best to get through each hurdle I’m faced with.
I have made a great deal of progress this year. I have been present in my transformation. Artistically, the months of February and March have been electrifying for me. I have literally had to put down my computer some nights and refuse to keep writing in order to get some sleep. Sometimes the rambling in my head even makes me dizzy. There are days when I would’ve killed for it to stop, and then it did.
It’s been about 5 days since I went blank. I sort of panic because I get really quiet and I don’t know how to fix it. Even the taste buds on my tongue numb out. It’s happened before but I’m usually so relieved when it’s over that I push the episode to the back of my mind as I do my happy dance. But as I am coming out of it again, I thought it best to address it this time.
It’s inevitable. This is the first thing I have to remember. In periods of growth and change, clarity tends to ebb and flow over time. The shitty days roll in and I panic because I sense that I have done something wrong, but I have not. Days like these are necessary. It certainly doesn’t mean I’m lost. It just means I can’t see things at the moment. Though it feels as if I’m not moving, the fact that I’m encountering fog proves that I am. The air at sea changes as one moves across it.
What I have realized is that it’s important that despite the fog, one stays in the motion of things. That way, one is prepared for when it clears.
Of all the times this has happened, I am now starting to see an improvement in my response. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little worried, but this time I was not devastated. If my usual response is for me to paralyze my life,… this time, I only half did. I made an effort to stick to the motion of things. I ran, I cooked, and I did my writing assignments reluctantly, but I did them. I see now that because of that, I am ready to hit the ground running as the fog lifts… Because usually, just after these episodes pass my amazingness usually shoots out like a bat out of hell. Even as I type this post my hands are beginning to pick up the pace. I can feel something changing already. This may not be my best work but I’m writing. That’s all that matters to me because it means I’m coming back. It means the fog is lifting. It means the bats are coming…