Today, August 26th, I’m writing at a Barnes & Nobles in New York City. It’s a Sunday and I found myself somewhat anxious this afternoon before attending a very important gathering that I had scheduled for later in the afternoon.
I write to you in a different mind set today. I can honestly say that I have never in my entire life written this freely. Today is my first official posting as a writer. I am no longer a corporate child. I’m no longer juggling the shoulds, wants, & musts of life. I am just experiencing today as myself, a writer.
As I exited the gathering, I was introduced to someone, who when they heard my name said, “Oh! I read your blog!” I couldn’t believe it. A reader. A stranger read my blog and told me that they like my work. In talking, he mentioned a point in his life when he was very unhappy about his job and after much prayer and struggle, he was let go. He mentioned being happy as they were doing it. He said it was the greatest thing that ever happened to him.
I was startled by his story because after 3 days of praying, I found myself in the same situation. I started this week in the same fashion that I do every week—taking a deep breath and holding out for a graceful struggle. I started the week with my usual role, the juggler, ready to take on a 9-to-5 and later find some way to follow my dream after a hard day’s work. But the universe did for me what it had done for my new friend and on Wednesday morning, I was let go.
The universe did for me what I did not have the courage to do for myself. As I walked out of the office that morning, I felt a sense of peace. Of course, I was crying, but I felt a sense of peace. It was then that I understood the last three years of my life. I’ve been through so much, but I had no complaints. I had set up this life, this unbearable way of living composed of co-dependent relationships, unsatisfying jobs, and empty activities. One by one, the universe took them from me. As I exited the doors of the corporate world this Wednesday, I realized that only one thing was left. The writing. The desire to write was the only thing I was left with. It is only due to the hardships that I have faced these last years that have brought me to this place. Like a novel, the story slowly unfolded and it was not until that moment that I was ready to become the character that this tale so desperately needed to carry it on.
I took a few days off because I knew the ego would have something to say. The inevitable questions that events like this provoke. I knew that I had be careful in a lot of aspects. I knew I would have insecurities coming out left and right this weekend and I did by best to care for them. Yes, insecurities and resentments aren’t nice, but they are part of us and we have to work with them. So, I let them be this weekend, without judging them. Hoping to understand them, I guess. I know they will be key to moving forward.
In the upcoming weeks, I’m sure that I will face a great deal of ups and downs as the details of the future become clearer.
I was never ready to do this, but I am now. I’m so mystified at how the universe knew that. I don’t know if I would have been ready on Tuesday morning to do this. It had to be Wednesday and though I had thought of writing this post earlier, I was’t ready. It had to be done today.
I write to you as a blank slate today. Free of the shoulds and old ideals that I tried so desperately to make work. I wanted to make it work in the way that I thought it was supposed to. The way that looked best on paper—the safe way. So, as I sit here and remind myself that there is nothing to be anxious about tonight because there is no work tomorrow, only one question remains: What do I want to fill my Mondays with?
“We deny that in order to do something well we must first be willing to do it badly. Once we are willing to accept that anything worth doing might even be worth doing badly our options widen.” Julia Cameron
I see now why every job I have had went the way that it did. I see why the universe had to keep denying me so many of the roles I was willing to take on in my life. I see now why I had to slowly watch others chose their paths, so that I could understand how do it when my time came. I’ve watched so many people pick up and start their lives and I guess I quietly watched it all from my seat. I guess I had to understand that they would be okay for two reasons: so, I could learn to let them be and so, that I would realize that I would be okay, too. I see now that I needed to be able to ask 1 question to move ahead without any worry or regard for anyone else:
Antonella, what do you want?
And though I have always known the answer to that question, I was never ready to see where it would take me.
I had this life that I set up for myself which excused me from everything. I had to take care of this person and stay in NY for that person. I had to take this job and I had to stick to this life, but I see now that it was all bullsh*t. It needed to happen the way that it did, but it was all bullsh*t. I placed my own chains on myself. We all do and in the last three years, my life found a way to slowly free me of each. On Wednesday, I felt the last links slip off my feet ever so gently. I was free. Scared, happy, and free.
So, what will I do when I can do whatever I want?
We’ll see. Stay tuned,