from new york, with love

I don’t know if you can hear the panting on your side of the screen, but I’m freaking out. I haven’t been sleeping and now I know why-my life was still in tact. I have waited to move things, throw things away, and start pulling things out from under the bed. I’ve been terrified of touching something in my life and passing it on to that next stage; where it’s value would not be the same. I have plans of  leaving New York, but I hadn’t dared to start actually “leaving.” I need to physically get to where my head is at, so today, I began to rip it all apart.

 

As I posted the apartment information on Facebook, I nearly fainted. I cannot breathe. What the F*CK AM I THINKING? It was in this panic that I realized I have been in love. I’ve been involved with this city. Which explains the pictures of my shoes… I guess I always wanted to remember where they had been. I wanted to remember the pavements and the cracks that had made me who I am today.

As I look back, I realize that there was always a choice. I had just always picked this city over anyone or anything. Decisions were always easy for me to take. Whatever it was, I picked the city first. It won every battle. I realized today that I have in fact been living out a passion for the last six years, which explains how I got through an array of crappy situations with a smile on my face. I had a great reason to be here and in the end, the city was reason enough for me. 

Some people are here for work, for relationships, for whatever the reason—not me. For me, it was the music video that I got to walk through while my iPod blasted. It was weird to feel so uncomfortable, yet be so happy. It bewitched me. Cut me open, you might find some New York graffiti inside. I don’t know, man. It’s been my drug. The place where dreaming on the streets is more common than spitting.

I have come to find a new passion and it’s time to give this new love a real shot. I guess something finally competed with New York and as scary as it is, I can’t risk it.

Today’s epiphany reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by Nietzsche, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” We’re always sticking it out for something. So, what is it? Do you know what drives you? I mean, honestly, I always knew I loved this city, but I never realized that I did it all to be here. I thought I had this dream of making it here, but no. It was much simpler than that. I just wanted to be here. I needed to be here and it didn’t matter the cost. I guess I knew that, somewhere deep, down inside. But how could I not have seen that? A drive so pure, how did I miss it and foolishly blame it on other things?

This should have been obvious to me, but it wasn’t. I know now that nothing would have moved me from this city had it not been as grandiose as knowing what I want to do for the rest of my life. So, think about your life. What is driving you? Strip all the reasons and think in “basics.” Why are you where you are? Keep asking, why… eventually, you’ll hit gold. If you dig deep enough, of course. Something is driving you… you might as well find out what it is…

Con Amor,
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About Antonella Saravia

Antonella is a freelance writer. Graduated from Purdue University, Antonella is based out of New York City and Nicaragua, where she was raised. Follow her via Twitter @tonesaravia & Instagram via @tsaravia.

One comment

  1. I love this post. I am a NYC girl born and bred. Living outside the city I miss it so much. Some people can’t understand that, but you captured the true essence of loving living in the city in this passage: “Some people are here for work, for relationships, for whatever the reason—not me. For me, it was the music video that I got to walk through while my iPod blasted. It was weird to feel so uncomfortable, yet be so happy. It bewitched me. Cut me open, you might find some New York graffiti inside. I don’t know, man. It’s been my drug. The place where dreaming on the streets is more common than spitting.” Thank you for reminding me how awesome NYC is. Good luck with your upcoming endeavor.

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