If you walk through the streets of a city and play classical music, it can seem as though a school of ballerinas has taken over the streets. With muted dialogues, you begin to see the dance: the movements, the pauses, and the flow of the costumed world before you. The parting, the meeting, and all that’s in between here and there.
Experiencing a sort of limbo has been difficult for me. I’ve started to watch others without really understanding where it is I fit in. The only thing that is constant in my life at the moment is the uncertainty of when things will settle. So you can imagine that my emotions are all over the place and it’s been quite hard for me to control. When you have insomnia and can’t call someone at 2am with one of your “Why am I here?” panic attacks, I’m happy to report that Chips Ahoys can help, a little. Well, how big of a bag did you buy? I’ve been panicking about it lately because as I’ve continued interacting with people (all of which seem to be stable), they’ve come to see a side of me that I haven’t quite finished forming. This new “creative” mode that I’m embracing and annoyed by all at once.
As I exited the Angelika theatre one afternoon with one of my dearest friends, I remember something she had said to me once about this issue: “Sometimes, emotions are going to fly and unfortunately we have to make peace with the fact we can’t plan who will be around when it happens,” she said and flashed her peaceful smile. I wanted to kick her in the shin when she said it. Sh*t, I want to plan it. I don’t want random people thinking I’m crazy. I’m pretty normal when sh*t like this isn’t going down. But she was and is right. Unfortunately, as we become comfortable with ourselves, moving in and out of phases, there will always be a string of people that will only see the rugged edges of this person you are becoming.
Sucks, no? I know. I hate it, but what are you going to do? We can’t stay in and wait for it to end because that final coat of this masterpiece you are working on creating only begins to form when you go outside and face the world.
So I’m actually not here to teach you anything today. I have no great ideas, every single sector of my life is blank. Dude, seriously, does anyone else find this odd? Did I suck at everything? Oh no, I know what it is, I was so good—scratch that, I was so great, everyone around me fainted. I should give them a chance to WAKE UP. So yea, as I was saying, I’m actually in a very bad mood and I wish that I could hibernate straight through next year, but it turns out that I can’t. So, though I have absolutely no idea what I want or where I’ll be, I got up this morning. I made myself coffee, had granola breakfast, and sat down at the computer. I’d rather be watching Vampire Diaries in my bed, but I’m banking on things clicking someday. Eventually, I’m going to figure out what I want and I don’t think adding “feeling sorry for myself” to the list is going to make the waiting period much fun.
If you’re having a bad day, if you’re lost, I can only tell you two things:
1. OMG, let’s be friends!
2. Though you feel lost today, I have one awesome piece of news for you: it doesn’t last forever. It can’t. No other feeling in your life has, why would this one? This is just a slump. Relax and keep moving, even if its slowly. We don’t get a say in when things fall into place, but we do however, get to decide if we keep moving while it works itself out.
And for all you, happy a$$holes, you’re going to have a slump someday, too. I might even write some really cheery post on the day that you do. Apologies in advance, but let this post stand as a reminder that I’ve been there before. We all have. You’re all—we’re all going to be fine.
In the meantime, it’s possible some people will experience a not-so-perfect version of you. It’s okay. Let it go, the people at the next stop will get you, I promise.