I could have spent hours wasting away at why my 2012 outlook hadn’t gone as I had planned. I could have spent all of my energy sulking away like I had done with previous opportunities and roles that I had encountered in recent years. Lamenting, blaming, excusing… I could have, but I chose not to. When I walked out of the corporate role this August, I found myself in a new place.
I no longer had the idea in my head that the next stage of my journey would save me. I no longer thought that the next phase would be easier or less scary. As the series of adult experiences unfolded here, I came to understand that life was hard—like all the time. Regardless of my status, it came to my surprise that I was never perfect or “finished.” There were always obstacles, complications, and limits that I would find waiting for me. What do you mean we’re never done? In time, I learned to dance. I learned to work towards the changes I could make and accept what I couldn’t.
My gut alarmed me that it was time to leave this city life in the same way that one usually feels that instinct when it’s time to go to bed or when it’s time to leave a party. When your body is ready to give it a rest, when the night is over.
I’ve never really been good at “letting go” of things. Despite being nostalgic, as I grew up I came to realize that there is a difference in remembering and holding on. I’d been holding on to this city for too long. My emotional fingertips were purple and when I walked out of the office that August morning with no strings attached—literally none—I realized it was time to move on. I realized that I had been holding my breath.
My greatest fear has always been to stick to something because I’m used to it. Whether it’s a relationship, a city, or an apartment, I have to be in something for the right reason and I honestly believe that loving something, not being accustomed to it is the only way to go; it’s the closest guarantee that the spark will fluctuate (as all things do), but never fade.
This is why I decided to leave my dark city. Was I still here for the right reasons? Do I still want to be here because I love it? Also, I need to learn to let go of things and see what happens. I read somewhere that external changes can symbolize steps of self-improvement and my gut kicked to let me know it was time.
I’m scared. I’ve been so tense and scared that I have found myself pulling away from everyone that I will miss. Completely out of character, I’ve avoided prolonged hugs and saying my goodbyes. I guess a part of me is terrified an extra long hug or teary moment will make me regret leaving and I’ll be twitching in my seat the whole way home.
I’m terrified I’ll lose my way. All of these things scare me, but I have something that has brought some comfort…I’ve done everything that I said I was going to do. If I wanted something, I had the patience and tolerance to find my way to it. I figured out that very few things are rocket science and if I set my eyes on something and work, eventually the obstacles grow weary and start to make way for me to walk. This is not exclusive to me. This is just the way that it works. This is something that I discovered over the last few years. I learned to shift my thoughts as I grew confident in my abilities. So, as I close this majestic chapter of my life, unable to sleep, overlooking the city, I’m happy to discover the my questions have changed. For the question is no longer Will I be able to figure this plan out? Will I find my way back? I’ve out grown this particular thinking. Now, it’s more: I wonder how is it going to happen.
It’s important that we learn to close chapters in our lives. It’s imperative that we learn to move on from things & try new methods. Your goals don’t have to change. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of taking a different road, but you gotta go with all your heart. You have to trust yourself and you can’t look back. You’re in pursuit of magic. You’re going to have to let things go to lighten the load, and move forward if you want to continue into the dark forest. You’re going to have to find new ways to get what you want. You’re going to have to change and most importantly, you’re going to have to start believing that you can do it all. That you can reach that Oz-like ending that you’ve dreamed of. And if you veer off course, as I have, trust yourself. You’ll find your way back to the main road, but something tells me, some of us are meant to take the short cuts. Some of us need to get off the road for a moment so the adventures we find can teach us how to glide when we get back on it.
So with that said, I’m going to put my new shiny pink Battlestar-Galactic-flats on and kiss (maybe more of a PG-13 make out sesh) these beloved streets with them one last time. And then I’ll be off, on to the next one…whether it’s a different path or just a short cut off course, we’ll see… the only sure bet will be that I’ll be wearing the dark city on my hot pink shoes. So with a New York glaze on my steps, this just might be a little fun…